Writers Jam

i have an odd relationship with love. i have a difficult time understanding both the way i love and the way i feel love. confusion, i suppose. i have always known i have love around me whether through family, friends, relationships or just the earth. but i always have the question - am i feeling and experiencing love the right way? do i love those who love me back with the same intensity they do and does it make me a horrible person to question that?

if you have ever played that guess the flavour games with jellybeans or where you guess blindfolded what you’re tasting, thats what this is. if i didn’t feel like dying at the thought of losing my ex, i must’ve not loved him well. if i don’t feel like meeting a friend, i must only be tolerating them. if i feel reluctant to help with chores at home, i am probably detached from my family.

but. i woke up early to bake for my father on his birthday. i listened to the ‘couple playlist’ my ex made for months. i talked for hours on calls from my friend living alone for the first time. so then what is it that i am building with people if not for love and warmth?

how are feeling love and am i doing it wrong?

i crave for a love and connection with someone so strong yet so mundane that i want to be in ratnadeep holding their hand, waiting for them outside the washroom, in the metro admiring their nose, hugging them for hours and hearing them breathe, feed them with my hands while watching tv. and this isn’t strictly romantic, of course. but i want to wash the dishes they ate their dinner on and feel it with clarity in my stomach that i am full too.

so i suppose what i ask you if you’ve read this is - close your eyes because i have placed a jellybean on your tongue, what are you tasting?