Writers Jam

When you see me,
You see me with love,
What part of me are you seeing then?
Your self hatred tells me it can't be the part of me that is you,
But they say self hatred is almost rooted in narcissism,
So maybe it is that part?
I can't tell,
I never could,
How to stop or what I should,
Decisions so difficult
And every step a choice,
What to hear? What is my voice?
I'm a living dilemma,
I breathe dichotomy,
Every move I make,
Just comes back to me,
Haunting me.
The hatred you have for me,
I know you try to hide it,
must be hard hating who you've birthed,
Who you've prayed for every single day of your life.
Seeing them become,
Everything you were afraid of,
Everything you could've done in your life,
Like they owed it to you,
That they do well
At your second chance,
And not that YOU owe it to them that YOU do well at your second chance.
I don't know what I've become,
I'm the living intersection of all you both hate,
And I'm the personification of all the hatred in the both of you,
I hate myself-
Are you surprised?
I try to learn why I do what I do,
How to stop,
How to not hurt,
How to stop causing misery,
I fight to break the shackles of generational trauma,
And I lose every day, lying with them tangled to my legs.
I try so hard-
To hate you,
To take it all out,
But the love that you've taught me to give myself,
Stops me,
You're both broken,
But too familiar are these shards,
Only I know that it is hard,
To be what you are,
With all the baggage you have folded safely in your heart.

Now I feel pity,
Can't help but sympathise,
It wasn't your fault, how did I not realise, It's true,
When I'm just a tint of teal,
And all you are is blue,
When it took me ages to heal-
And only a part of me is you