Writers Jam

my heart feels frozen
but so is ice cream
and ice cream is good.

i melt at the sight of a couple embracing
so maybe it’s not all that bad (yet).

i still call my parents
and speak to them kindly
even though they hurt me
every single time.

i love my sibling
more than anything
despite everything.

i still have love to give
even though the world
isn’t very accepting of it.

i hurt others
i hurt myself
but when the time comes
i compensate twofold.

am i doing it right?
am i even doing anything at all?

another day
another piece of crap
another stretch of self-loathing and yearning.

the horrors linger
in the shadows of my room
in the cigarettes i smoke
in the coffee i drink
in the food i can’t stomach.

am i persisting
just because i’m still here?
do the scars tell that i persist
or that i’ve failed?

so when does it end?
how long do i persist?
the lifelong dream of jumping still whispers.

but if it happens
does it mean i gave up?
or do the horrors persist
and i am, in the end,
just another shadow
watching them pass?