Writers Jam

2020- a 10 foot ochre door opens into a 9 ft sq room with a mirror on a wall where i sit hiding from my 250 ft sq room in an attempt to hide from myself and even him. Casual papers, brush pens, mirror, reality, more like self-loathing. Never realising that i made myself into a shrine of hate.

“You are not good enough. He doesn’t give a shit about you. Why the fuck are you trying to sketch. Its not like you are gonna draw yourself. Wow, what bullshit is this sketch. Again the same shit. Oh wait oil pastels might feel better. I hate what i made. I hate the sketches that i make. I guess i actually like sitting for this now, anyway i dont have any other constants. Maybe i should make them brighter to hide the sadness. Okay now they look slightly likeable. Maybe i should put them up on the wall. Wow looks more fun and satisfying when its put up. I hate the eyes in this sketch. I hate this sketch. I hate the nose in that one. Omg this one looks like a monster. Do i see myself as a monster. Lets back up a little. Feels like they are staring at me. Im sleepy. Dim lights really highlight the eyes. Its a little weird. What was that sound. Ohh, just the sketches. Another one? And another!”

2023- Sitting in a rental thanking the heavens that that self and all loathing creature has left for good. I catch my reflection in a mirror in the depths of the night.

“You are obviously still not good enough. But the boy cut kinda looks good. I am bored. I am always smoking. I need to stop. Lets smoke another one. Okay im bored while smoking. Ill just open the sketchbook. Should i take off my top. Hmmm. Okay wheres my litho pencil. Wow i never thought i could sketch so well. Okay i hate it. Why do i always look shitty. Why do i always look like I’m in a shit mood in my sketches. But i would like to explore nudes”

Forgot.

2025- Head swimming inside my device. A chat sparks up questions about my sketches. I look back after i start sketching again.

“Lets start all over again. But this time not to stay melancholic but to prime and manipulate myself into a better mood, maybe even a better life. Its not like i totally love myself after all that. But i do want better for me. Oh wow i missed sketching like this. Maybe i should think of myself as different people in different moods. Why am i always in that same mood. Ohh, this is my focus face. I can try other things. Need to wear different colors. Should also acknowledge my body as a part of my sketches. Who the hell is this. Why did i hate myself so much at that time. Oh, i know why. Haha. Lets not go there. These are so nice. What was wrong with me. haha. I could fill a room with all my sketches, ceiling included as a commentary on self loathing haha. I hope this lil ‘haha’ that i have added to my vocab isnt hiding something deeply melancholic. Okay lets not think about this, haha. I gotta work, haha”