“How are you feeling?” Well, to be really honest, I have a hard time understanding it myself. How do I explain this? Sometimes, I feel like I feel too much, so much that I worry people around me might think I’m being obnoxious. But deep down, I know what I feel: sadness, jealousy, and hatred. I’ve accumulated an insufferable amount of hatred and selfishness, and now I’m stuck in a black hole of shame.
I’ve felt lonely my whole life. But then again, I realized it’s become a habit of mine to push people away, because my mind has decided that being alone is the best possible option for me. That I should own the label of a “loner.” I keep watching all those forms of media that romanticize loneliness, and now, whenever I’m with a group of people, my mind keeps yelling at me to detach , to find myself a corner.
I recently watched a show where one of the characters said, “Don’t fetishize your own sadness.” Hearing that made me question myself, Isn’t that exactly what I’m doing? But then again, that sadness is the only thing that makes me want to live longer, to bear the pain for as long as I can. Even though I have to live with the truth of being the shitty person I know I am, even when my past actions would make people question my morals, I have to carry the pain, the guilt. Because how will I ever be myself, if not through the guilt I carry?
If I let go of the guilt, who will I even be?