Ahhh. I’m overwhelmed, because I have so much to say but can’t really put it into words.
Let’s just begin with how unconditionally I give, only to be torn apart, to be called judgy, self-victimising, etc. etc.When I first read this (they sent it via text), I was too numb to feel anything. I was thinking, Wow, where the fuck did I go wrong?Slowly, it turned to hatred.Why? Why the fuck am I the one suffering?I cared too much, gave too much, and what I expected was to be seen, to be liked. But alas, it fucked me up so much that I ended up bed-rotting and isolating. What if I get hurt again? I still keep asking myself what and where did I go wrong? And as cruel as I am, I’m hoping they’d suffer too. At least miss my very presence.
The one before was slow, unnoticed. Even evoked heavy jealousy in me.I was the one to reach up always. I was the one to ask if they were okay.And when I confronted that they weren’t putting any effort, they just apologised.But I still called. I still made sure that I’m not forgotten.And once I called them, just after the above event occurred, I asked them, Am I not worth loving? They said no, of course not, no matter what, you are always my only “my name”.
I laughed.
It’s funny how they think I’m still her. I’m not her anymore. I’ll never be. She’s long gone, and what’s left is just jealousy, hatred, anger. She doesn’t trust anyone anymore. She still gives out love but runs away when she feels like she’s receiving it back. How could she stay, when she was always left alone?
She can’t afford to wait around to be left alone again. She’s tired. I’m tired.