"Too much and never enough" Is the theme I read,
Not just another theme I dread,
It's what everything I've ever written has been about,
But I guess it's too much and never enough.
So I ask myself-
Why try another time?
Hopeless, mindless, attempts at a rhyme
That will do no good,
But does that even matter?
Like anything I've ever done has actually done any good.
An illusion,
Of beauty, of happiness, of all sweet dreams,
Endless brush strokes on this imaginary painting.
Tell me I try too much and I'll know it'll never be enough.
This painting, you keep smashing my head with
And you say it's not enough,
Another hit and you wish it's the end,
And you know what? It's not too much.
Have at it, take all my strength,
Bash my head, go to any lengths, just end it.
Torture me, punish me as you deem fit,
Just do it, if you really have it in you because I can't,
I have given up on giving up,
This numbness I keep bantering about is my only friend now and I'm surprised if you don't see that in my empty eyes.
These tears I shed are my prize,
And my smile, a joke.
The show I've put, I say, is not for you,
And nothing I've ever done has been for myself,
So who the fuck is it for?
The fear, the shame, a game so lame,
Don't want to be too much for you,
Don't want to show you too much of myself,
The things I do to protect you,
I rot in my misery, I reek of my tears and fears,
So I'll die lying in the middle of the road, I apologize for the inconvenience.
But I do give it my all do I not?
How am I never enough,
Never right,
Never the choice?
The whiteboard never leaves my sight and the brainstorming never stops,
The scales, the protractors, all my props.
I'm the dish I want to serve you,
At the temperature you like,
But I never seem to get it right,
Oblivious of what you really want,
Knowing all I want now is to blink out of my existence.
Imagining if at least my death will matter to you,
But my absence,
Would it be too much for you?
Or just never enough?