“…you said Love, for you,
is larger than the usual romantic love. It’s like a religion. It’s
terrifying. No one
will ever want to sleep with you.”– Richard Siken
I thought long and hard about what to write today. Even simply what to frame it as, leave alone what to write. My usual writing style is a “travel story” - where two people undertake a journey together, usually literal, and we get to watch the quiet contemplations of one of the two.
Given that this is a themed event though, and I am wont to take the most literal reading of things, I will be talking about my actual feelings today. Which is rare for me. It’s easier to brush things off or laugh them away because I simply lack the energy to deal with them properly. It’s a debt for future me to pay off.
So I’m going to come out and say it – I’m feeling pretty miserable today.
I think that as a society we obsess way too much over fixing misery. Sometimes
I just want to sit and be miserable in peace and not worry about fixing it,
because that just contributes even more to the weight I feel. Even in creative
circles, where misery is so often romanticized as being good, even necessary
for our artistic machinations, people simply can’t help being people, and
trying to fix the problems of those they love.
But how can you fix (or let someone else fix) something that’s been a part of you for as long as you can remember? When you cut away the rot, will the thing that’s left even be you?
I tried to put a positive spin on what you’re reading now. It’s scary to show the people you love (or that you violently traumabonded with recently) what you’re really like. Besides, everyone likes a story they can take home with them and feel good about. No one really wants to see you bleed.
How can you show someone you barely know you’re so rotten inside that you believe you’re completely incapable of being loved? That you believe it would be a freak of nature, the end times if it happened for you? It almost seems irresponsible.
I’m sorry if you came here expecting a fun romp, or good writing. This is all I have for you.
But if you must take something away from here, let it be this: there probably is someone out there just as miserable as you are.
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