Writers Jam

I have lost a lot in my life-friendships, relationships, careers, times when I could have changed my life, I guess everyone has. But I lost myself to Love, the expectations and the validations.

When I love, I love hard. I make mistakes, oh! so many mistakes. But I just love the other person so passionately that I lose myself in them. My entire world revolves around them. I begin to like things they like, eat the food they eat, listen to the music they do, and things like that.

I’m not crazy or obsessive, but I guess that’s my way of showing love. I want to feel what they are feeling, see life through their eyes, love them the way they want to be loved.
But if only I had felt things I wanted to feel, seen life through my eyes, loved them the way I wanted to, instead of just being a part of their life, I wish I had made them a part of mine.

Maybe then I would have known what it’s like to be me.

Lately, I feel like giving up. But what is there to give up when I haven’t even found anything of my own?
Anything that makes me happy? Anything that feels worth giving up?
I just don’t know.

As a kid, I was passionate. I had dreams. I wanted to achieve so much. But as I grew, I didn’t grow into myself, I grew into small, different versions of people who once meant everything to me.

But sadly, neither do I have those people… nor do I have myself now.

I struggle every day.
I’ve never shared this pain, not even with those I love.
And I don’t know why.
I also don’t know why I’m doing this right now.

But maybe, deep down…
I really don’t want to give up.

I really want to find myself.

I want to know how my heart thinks.
How my brain works. Everything about me that I can feel secure about, something that won’t be taken away from me.

I just hope that one day, it gets better.

And when I look back, maybe I will have found the version of myself I’m looking for right now